hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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