Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
