why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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