on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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