If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
