Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
