Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
