Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
