1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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