ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
