Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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