i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
