hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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