if i can run in heels then i can drive
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
