sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
