I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
