Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
