woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
