captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
