Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
