Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
