The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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