I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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