so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
