Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Is Oprah even human
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
