Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
