I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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