true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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