It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
