my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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