god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
