I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
