you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Randomize
