Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
