Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
