the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
