I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
