i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
