So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
