tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Randomize
