just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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