just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
