we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I need to align my fucking chakras
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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