apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
