I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
