I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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