Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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