i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
FUCK WHALES
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
