My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
