I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
