I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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