The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
